Posts

Commuters

It is barely dawn when I board the commuter train. I hold my place in line as I step from the steel platform into the steel passenger car. I settle into my favorite seat and watch from the window as the sun dimly illuminates the horizon. The dawn is gray. My overcoat, and the overcoats of the other passengers are gray. We wait to travel a gray line to our offices with gray desks, gray carpeting and gray duties. The train vibrates into motion. I yawn.   I ride the train like a cradle. It reverberates beneath me and gently rocks me in its sway. The conductor with the kind face takes my fare with a sad, pleasant smile. I want to buy him whisky. I want to ask him questions. I want him to tell me his story. But maybe it is better this way; that I don’t know his life; that we remain strangers. Anyway it is too early in the day and we both have far too many hours of labor left in us to entertain liquor - laced tales.   I drift off, rocked to sleep on an iron sea. My eyelids...

Don't Feed the Deranged Squirrels

Don’t Feed the Deranged Squirrels… I don’t know about you, but there are rodents in my head, several of them, pulling circus stunts on wheels that go around and around but get neither them nor me, anywhere.  Obsession, compulsion, addiction, worry, plotting, scheming, meticulous record keeping, pattern making nonsense.  I’ve lived long enough and come far enough to know these are simply squirrels. Sometimes rabid, anxious, ferocious squirrels with absolutely no power to protect me let alone serve me or make me happy.  Lately, I’ve been coming to identify them - made up stories, narratives I tell myself to explain the antagonistic ghost pains I feel: inferiority, rejection, insatiability, failure, et al.   I eat.  I barrage my lovers with inquiries and accusations. Sometimes out loud. Usually in the screaming silence of the night.  I run, for miles, in place - as metaphor of course, but also quite literally - on a treadmill - t...